Musings / On the Road / reflection · April 12, 2008 4

a week in review

I’ve been away delivering a week-long training course. I wasn’t able to sort my mobile broadband connection partly due to laziness and partly due to the flawed procedures 3 Network has in place. Despite that, the week was successful. I ran into a couple of old friends, one on accident, the other by design.

Here are some excerpts of the week from my offline journal (one of the nights, I went out and took photos of the estate):

7 Apr

Met up with Chantal in the evening at The Mermaid for an open mic jam session night. The house band was Steve K, a decent blues, rock, jazz fusion band. The open mic bands were also good. It was nice to see Chantal, although I never seem to be able to have a sustain conversation with her because she’s like a fluttering butterfly always on the move never stopping for more than a few second before moving on to the next topic or texting or whatever.

Inevitably we end up talking about life and what we want to do with ourselves. I half-joked with Chantal to just tell me what to do with next 40 years of my life. She got me to imagine that I was 80 years old now and asked me what would I look back on and regret not doing? The only answer I could give, the truthful answer is i would regret not having a body of published work that people read and read again. The only other thing would be not to have spent a year or so traveling on around the world in true vagabond style. That’s about it really. I was just remarking how hard it is to sit down and face a blank sheet of paper every day. But that what writers do and have done forever.

8 Apr

A bit of an epiphany this morning lying in a bed at Bricket Wood. I am approaching 40, which if i go by the average expectant lifespan of a modern man, i am at the halfway point, so i am entering the second half of my life. I want to go into this half with a clear purpose, a set determination, and focus on getting what i want. I also want to focus on building wealth for the later years in my life when i won’t want to go out and work in the mill. The fact that i want to be an important writer means in essence that i should be able to write right until the very end, but i would like to be in a position to not have to work if i don’t want to.

Something that interest me at the moment is the life-scripts I run automatically, where do they come from, what purpose do they serve? what triggers them?, what do i need to do to change the scripts i run? Imprints I think anton wilson and denise leary called them. from a Buddhist’s point of view what are the illusions that i govern my life by?

Like right now, on delivering this course, I want these people to like me, to believe that i am credible, to respect me for what i know. this is making feel self-conscious and unsettled because i am worrying about (imagining them doing the opposite) and acting as if it’s happening now. This I can change. I can change it by changing my focus.

I admire people who do what they do for their family. Let me restate that. One of the guys asked the group what their values were or why did they come to work or something like that and this person replied that he wanted to provide security for his wife and child. I admire people who are driven or motivated to do what they do for the good of their family.

10 Apr

Coming to the close of the course. We had a nice bonding night. I’ve had some nice indirect feedback from the group. They want to come on my future courses. They’re using words and phrases from my sessions, a number of them have said this has been the best week of their training so far. I’ve seen the less experienced managers grow in confidence.

A lesson for me: don’t let myself down by not living up to be the noblest person i am capable of being. Be a person of strong character.