what interests me

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I’m in transition phase, which means I’m between projects.  I spent the doing some light research for my next project(s).  My morning reflection time yielding a long list of to-do’s, but I ended up blowing most of those off for a trip to Borders.  I wanted to get a feel for what other writers are doing out in the field and I wanted to gage where I want to steer my own writing to next.

On the drive to Borders I ran through the various subjects that have interested me in the past.  Philosophy, spirituality, culture, politics, and outdoor adventures are topics that generally occupy my attention .  I told myself that I would open my mind in Borders and see what other subjects might attract me without much forethought.

I picked up a few titles I have not read nor seen before like:  Adbusters, which bills itself as an activist toolkit.  The theme for this month’s issue is Thought Control in Economics.  I’ve never considered myself much of an activist, but the articles looked like I might learn something interesting.  Index on Censorship was the next title and it’s central question for the month is: Time for a Revolution?  I personally think it is time for a revolution, if not in the world, then in mind and body.  I thought I had run away from matters of spirituality, but the Buddhist Review, Tricycle caught my attention and reminded me of why I am attracted to Zen philosophy.  The articles are thoughtful and not airy-fairy.  Enlightenment Next, the magazine for evolutionaries was the next title that grabbed my attention with the headline reading: The Evolving Faces of God.  The voices of many of the leading popular spiritual leaders and gurus are in here.  The articles are well written even if some are a bit obtuse.  Next I wandered over to business and current affairs and found The Intelligent Life which is a title put out by The Economist and covers life, culture, and style in an intelligent, grown-up manner.  It’s like a lad mag for mature men (the cover doesn’t sport any half-naked sex goddesses). The writing style is heavy and intellectual, much like you would find in The Economist.  And then when I arrived back home the latest copy of Philosophy Now was waiting for me in the mail.  The cover story is existentialism and culture.

After an hour or so of browsing it seems my interests are indeed spirituality, philosophy, politics, and culture.  I did spend some time browsing the outdoor adventure mags, and techno-geek stuff, but none of those titles inspired me to part with any cash.  I was surprised that I didn’t spend any time in the travel section.

Back at the ranch, I got a last minute call from Ed asking me if I wanted to go see Pandorum with him and Rich.  After checking with the boss, I agreed.

Pandorum is a pure sci-fi action film.  It’s kind of like a mix of Alien, Descent, and Fight Club.  It’s a good film if you like your action flicks to be heavy on action and light on dialogue.

motion

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I feel the need for motion.  The past seven months I have been fully engaged with work behind the walls of the corporate castle, and now I feel the need to spend time roaming urban landscapes, wilderness, countryside, and mountains.  I want to re-engage with the world beyond the walls.  And those walls include the walls that surround my home.

if-this-then-that

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I thought this would be a good story to share because I often here people making their big life goals – the goals they claim they really want – conditional.  They have the ‘someday’ mentality. ‘Someday when all the conditions are perfect, I’ll do the thing I really want to do with my life.’

I believe what they are really asking for is guaranteed success. Before they are willing to begin, they want someone (God, the Universe, Madam Golda) to look into the future and tell them that if they go for the thing they want, they will definitely get it and it will be just as they dreamed it would be and life will be wonderful. Without this guarantee, they refuse to act.

I’ve been down this road myself, sticking with the safe option, the perceived ‘sure thing’, the steady paycheck. All the while watching one day bleed into the next and wistfully dreaming about ‘someday.’

I don’t know if you know the story of Liz Murray, the lady who went from being homeless on the streets of New York City to attending Harvard and becoming a successful international speaker, author, and life coach. Their is a movie out about her life called Homeless to Harvard. All the odds were stacked against her. She had only a grade school education. She was living on the streets and being raised by two drug addicted parents.

But she wanted a better life. To get it, she knew she had to give up the if-this-then-that mentality. She said: “Before I had my transformation, I always had this illusion I call if-this-then-that. If I find a quiet place place, then I’ll study. If I get some more cash, then I’ll go to school. We do that when there is no real commitment to a goal. We’re saying ‘I’m committed unless…’”

She goes on to say there is a big difference between ‘I’m committed unless’ and absolute commitment. Absolute commitment means you’ll do whatever it takes. No excuses! No waiting for permission to act. No waiting for someday. No waiting for absolute guarantees.

To begin, you have to begin with absolute faith. Let go of the if-this-then-that mentality. This reminds me of a story Joseph Campbell, the late 20th century philosopher and mythology expert, told of a Native American father’s advice to his son: “As you go the way of life, you will see a great chasm. Jump! It is not as wide as you think.”

Are you standing on the edge of a chasm?

Take a good look at it.

Now jump!

career advice from the Tao

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In times of reflection I sometimes turn to the Tao Te Ching (the book of The Way), written by Lao-Tzu, for guidance. Over these past several days my thinking has taken several synchronistic turns and I realize that the path I chose to walk several years ago is still the path I am on. It seems though that over the past 10 months I haven’t been walking the path, that I had rejected that which I had once embraced. But this morning I realized that I have just been taking a break, that I had only momentarily set my backpack aside to rest for a moment on the trail. And now I feel ready to continue on with a clearer sense of purpose and thought.

I opened the book of The Way and the passage I settled on was this:

He who stands on tiptoe
doesn’t stand firm.
He who rushes ahead
doesn’t go far.
He who tries to shine
dims his own light.
He who defines himself
can’t know who he really is.
He who has power over others
can’t empower himself.
He who clings to his work
will create nothing that endures.

If you want to accord with the Tao,
just do your job, then let go.

And even as I reflect on these words I can feel the weight of my pack settle on my shoulders, hips and back, and it feels good and right.

(This translation of the Tao Te Ching was taken from Stephen Mitchell.)

do you think that’s air you’re breathing?

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My wife thinks I’m crazy. My friends shake their heads in bewilderment. Even the cats look at me funny.

Why?

Because I get up in the morning between 4:00 – 4:30am each day apart from the weekends when I generally get up between 5:30 – 6:00am.

Getting up at such a crazy hour for me is the best time of the day because nobody wants anything from you at 4 o’clock in the morning. The phone is not ringing. The kids are not fighting. The wife is not reminding me to do something I’ve forgotten to do around the house. Yes. 4 o’clock in the morning is a brilliant time. It’s “Clay” time. And it allows me to spend two to three hours reading, thinking, and/or writing.

I am not alone in this sentiment. George Berkeley, the English empiricist philosopher, proposed the same idea. He suggested that a person who wants to obtain self-knowledge should “spend regularly and constantly two or three hours of the morning in study and retirement.” He emphasized that spending two or three hours out of 24 in private is minimal.

In a letter he wrote to John Percival. He wrote: “there is a person whose acquaintance and conversation I do earnestly recommend unto you as a thing of greatest advantage: you will be surprised when I tell you it is yourself.”

If you want to obtain self-knowledge, you have to spend time with yourself. It’s not enough to be good at perceiving and imaging and making observations about the world. To be of value to others, you must turn inward.

Now I know I have some friends who are terrified with the thought of spending time with themselves, but that is another story. And I have another lot of friends who are quick to say that they don’t have time to spend on themselves. Well to that group I say try getting up an hour or two earlier each day. You’ll be amazed at how much you get done for yourself and how connected you’ll feel. Once I’ve had my “Clay” time then I don’t mind what the busy world has in store for me for the rest of the day.

The Merovingian said it best when he said: “How can you ever have time, if never make time?”

relaxing in the hills

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Many months have pasted since my last trip to the hills.  My work schedule hasn’t been that permissible this year.  It’s kind of a hard sell to the wife to be away all week only to come home unpack your suitcase and then pack your rucksack and head back out the door.  That doesn’t tend to go down well.  But as it happens, the project I’ve been working on has come to an end, so I now have some time to relax and enjoy the outdoors.

I spent the day out in the peak district with a couple of mates.  We decided we’d do a 12 mile hike to take in some of the various scenery the peak district has to offer, from dales to Jurassic Park style river valleys.  We couldn’t have asked for a better day – blue sky, sun, very warm with a cooling breeze.  And because we left early, we had the trails to ourselves for most of the day.

Now I am back home.  My muscles ache and my bones are tired.  I have missed the outdoors and the hills and mountains specifically.  I feel inspired to do more hiking and get back into my outdoor routine.

four of a kind

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It amazes me the tiny towns literary festivals tend to pop up in.  I spent the afternoon at the Woodstock Literary Festival.  Woodstock, of course, conjures up in my mind thoughts of the Woodstock of 1960’s fame where the iconic images of the sex, drugs, and rock and roll revolution were born.  The Woodstock I found myself in today is a small town near Oxford.

I only came to the festival to sit in on one event.  Over the past several weeks, I have rekindled my interest in online poker.  I’ve begun playing in the Saturday 14.15 (U.S. Time) poker tournament on PokerStars.com. Some way or another, I came across the name of Victoria Coren.  A trip to Google sent me over to her website.  Her beauty, words, and poker prowess immediately caught my attention.  A few more searches and I found her on YouTube. I ended up liking her enough to buy both of her books – Once More with Feeling (which is about her attempts to make the world’s greatest porn movie) and her latest book, For Richer or For Poorer which is her poker memoir and the reason for her being at the Woodstock litfest). When I read on her blog that she was going to be here, I thought, ah, a chance to meet her in the flesh, so to speak.

I was shocked when I walked into her presentation room at the Oxfordshire Museum. I had imagined that she would have drawn a younger crowd.  I guess because of her affiliation with online poker, so when I walked into a room full of distinguished looking older men and women, I had to raise a MR Spoke eyebrow of interest.  But then again, I was just reading in the press about Russia’s decision to reclassify poker as gambling because as the Russian government put, poker seems to draw in the very old.

Victoria’s talk was captivating.  She told many personal stories, stories I’m sure must appear in her book.  Although she did not look as glamorous in person as she does on the screen and in print, she came across as very down to earth, someone who would be easy to make friends with.  I also picked up a few poker tips from her, which I hope will help my game.

I felt a bit grumpy afterward, so I stopped at a motorway service station to have a cup of coffee and people watch.  You see the strangest of characters in the service stations.  It was a good 30 min distraction before heading back home.

who would you be if time, money, and resources were not an issue?

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Create some space right here right now that you can step into right now and be who you want to be and do what that person would be doing right now…let go of any mind made pressures or obstacles…

Who would you be?  And what would you be doing?

Who you are is who you are right now.  And in accordance with Nietzsche’s eternal recurrence thought experiment, would you be happy to repeat this moment for all of eternity?

things that make you go hmmm

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Marc and Angel of Hack Life fame, have created a new website called Makes Me Think.  If you are looking for a change in perspective about life, it’s worth a visit.  Most of the entries, a sampling of which I’ve included below, really make you go hmmm.

“Today, at my grandmother’s funeral, I met the guy that volunteered as her fulltime caretaker during the last few months of her life. He knew more about her than I ever did. And as he shared my grandmother’s stories, I couldn’t help but wish that I had been there to experience some of these stories with her.”

“Today, my boss told me ‘If you wouldn’t stake your life on the quality of your work, you shouldn’t even bother.’”

“Today, I dropped my mom off at work. She had a government job for 18 years, but lost it due to health issues and now works as a fork lift driver 12 hours a day. At home she takes care of her elderly mother. I asked her, “Where do you find the strength to keep going?” She hugged me and responded, ‘My family’.”

“Today, I saw a man in a business suit sleeping at a table in Starbucks with several ‘help wanted’ ads spread out in front of him.”

“Today, I overheard one of my two coworkers teasing the other for riding the bus to work and choosing not to drive his car. I later overheard a coworker dealing with a credit collector who was asking for a payment. It wasn’t the one who rode the bus.”

“Today, after being insulted by a guy I work with, I walked out of the office with a heavy heart only to find a note card on my car’s windshield. It was from my ex-boyfriend of 2 years who is simply my best friend now. It said, “Would it be okay if I sorta had a little crush on you forever?” ”

unlocking creativity

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As a writer, I have often come up against the brick wall of creativity.  And no matter how hard I bang my head against it, sometimes I just can’t seem to get the words to flow.  I watched a great clip on creativity on the website, Closer to the Truth.  At the end of the segment, the host Robert Lawrence Kuhn lays out some simple thoughts for getting the creative juices flowing, and here they are:

1.    Don’t get to smart to quickly:  expert opinions stall the creative engine.  Often times it’s our own voice that we need to listen to first.
2.    Cogitate.
3.    Meditate.
4.    Brood.
5.    Agonize.
6.    Oddly enough uncertainty, ambiguity, and doubt are all friends of the creative process.
7.    Lose yourself.
8.    Feel the flow.
9.    Suffer with humor to get closer to truth

I came up with a few more to help me with my own battle against stalled creativity:

1.    Eradicate fear.
2.    Let go of attachment to outcome.
3.    Don’t look for assurance before beginning.

Watch the full episode here.

you know more than you think you know

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A: “Why do you answer questions with questions?”
B: “Perhaps because you ask questions to which you know the answers.”
A: “Well if I knew the answers, why would I bother to ask?”
B: “Because you want to avoid knowing your own answers.”

new horizons

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I’ve come to far on my journey to slip back into old ways and travel familiar paths. Time to set my eyes on new horizons and follow new paths. I am more of a wanderer than a traveller…being a traveler implies reaching a destination, a wanderer has no destination. And “not all those who wander are lost.”

another birthday on the road

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Hey! Another birthday has sneaked up on me.  And once again, I am on the road, which has seemed to be the pattern over the past six or seven birthdays, bar one or two.  This time I am in Bolton, which is a long long way away from Newark, New Jersey, where I was born.  I am sitting here in my sparse room at the Premier Inn in Bolton trying to think of some great commentary to share.  I cast my mind over the preceding 40 years expecting to find some great revelation.  And you know what,  all that I can find at this moment is that I have no great revelation other than I am a happy man.

mind movies?!???

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I’ve been recently reading Judy Reese’s blog.  I met Julie a couple of years back, first online and then face to face during a presentation I was giving on using Mandalas as a coaching tool.  She was, up until a few months ago, co-director of the Clean Change Company, a post she held for 10 years.  A couple of things intrigued me:  What made her decide to leave what seemed like a thriving business?  And second, I was interested to find out how an expert in transformational change handled change.

I haven’t had the chance to ask Judy about her decision to leave yet.  But from her blog I have been able to follow her thoughts and emotions as she wrestles with personal change.  What I have learnt is that even us change professionals suffer.  I guess we can never really see past the limits of our own boundaries, however enlightened we may be, without the help or guidance of someone external to us.

Anyway, Judy had a link to a website called mind movies, which she mentioned as being a project she is interested in pursing.  I clicked on the link.  It took me to a site I vaguely remembered seeing before.  Basically, in my opinion, it’s just two more people bullshitting people into believing that they (the owners of the site) have unlocked the secret to some miracle change formula.  What a mind movie basically amounts to is a slideshow of inspirational images and words set to music – something anyone can do with iPhoto or Windows Movie Maker.  But these folks are charging $49 for what they are calling the Mind Movie Creation Kit.  Give me a break!  While I am a fan of visualization as a success tool, I am against folks who take a simple and beautiful concept like visualization, dress it up in a fancy package, and then slap a price tag on it.

All is not negative.  In searching through the hundreds of mind movies on YouTube, I came across an interview of Will Smith in which he talks about the virtues of visualization.  What he does that I haven’t seen the Mind Movie folks do, is tell the truth.  And that truth is that visualization is a great tool, but it is nothing without the focus and determination to work harder than the next person in order achieve the success you want.  Whereas the disciples of the mind movie product say things like:  “In terms of money. When I made this video I was earning pretty much nothing. Now I have multiple streams of income…” It is as if all you have to do is watch the video 300 times, as this person claims to have done, and things just magically fall into place.

Give me good old fashioned focus, determination, and hard work any day.

my life story in 100 words

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Crashed into the world, a product of two teenagers playing house. Inner city, big city, watched a man get shot, nearly lost my eye. Dragged to the suburbs to make a better life. Life sucked. Too boring and tame. Thought I’d make a name, jumping out of planes and blowing stuff up. Met a girl as you do and the world changed. Marriage, married, kids and all, domesticated primate at 40. Life reset to zero, so they say. New song, same old song, chasing words and literary glory. Probably will die in obscurity, but what can you do, except smile!

return from spanish holiday

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I’m back in the UK after a week of pure R&R in Spain.  We literally did nothing except hang out by the pool, hang out by the beach, eat, read, play PSP, and sleep.

OK, one day we did go on a little trip to find the famous salt lake whose mud supposedly contains powerful healing powers.  I personally didn’t partake in covering myself in mud, but the rest of the crew did.

My holiday reading list included the second half of John Updike’s Couples, Jay McInerney’s, Bright Lights, Big City and also his new short story collection, The Last Bachelor.

I found Updike’s Couples to be a fascinating exploration of the interpersonal dynamics of marital relationships, infidelity and the conditions that lead couples to stray into the tumultuous world of adultery, wife swapping, and boredom within a committed relationship like marriage.  I love his description of adultery as “a way of giving yourself adventures…of getting out in the world and seeking knowledge.”

I found McInerney’s Bright Lights, Big City an easy and fascinating read in the second person.  Like Updike, McInerney’s favorite subjects are sex and adultery.  McInerney aslo adds in a lot of drugs and dying of cancer in his subject matter.  Bright Lights, Big City paints a portrait of living in New York City in the 80’s, full of cocaine and all night parties and trying to get laid.  The Last Bachelor covers much the same territory only this time it’s post 9/11 New York City and somewhere in Tennessee of all places.  The fact that McInerney lives in both New York City and Tennessee probably give a clue as to why.  I like McInerney’s writing style and look forward to catching up and reading more of his work.

And now we are settling back into life as normal – laundry, dishes, housework, getting ready for work, and work proper.

desire

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Her breasts bounce
in step with each
step on the step
master they bounce,

Like over-filled
water balloons
on a string, they
bounce.

Sweat drips slowly
between her crevasse

We lick our lips
like on a hot summer
day, standing before
a merchant’s stall
of freshly cut water
melons, full of thirst

She steps.

Process notes: I was looking for inspiration this morning.  I saw the word desire and thought why not write a series of poems about our base emotions.  Leaning back in my chair, I started to day dream about desire and immediately I thought about the lady I saw in the gym the other day working out on the cross trainer.  She was wearing a very low-cut white tank top that concealed very little.  Now I would be less than truthful if I said I didn’t steal a peak like every other guy that was there at the time.

two live wires

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It isn’t nice
to be naked.
Two live wires,

hot, exposed,

to dangerous
to touch together
under the night sky.

Dark, unyielding,
no moon to light
the way toward
salvation and bliss.

A kiss delivered
on velvet lips
awaiting the
morning dew

to deliver parched
lips from a thousand
nights of thirst.

Process notes: I wrote this piece after reading a poem by Langston Hughes called March Moon.  In it, the moon is naked after having been undressed by the wind.  Hughes ends the poem with a question:

Don’t you know
It isn’t nice to be naked?

I turned the question into a statement.  This made me think about how some people are ashamed to be naked and prefer to hide their nakedness from their lover under the cover of darkness or dimmed lights.

P.S.  I picked up the idea of adding a short commentary behind the inspiration of my poems from Dana Guthrie Martin over at her blog My Gorgeous Somewhere. Thanks Dana.

on keeping a journal

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Thomas Moreton said that there was no point in keeping a journal if your life didn’t change significantly each day. Well trying to write this journal daily highlights the fact that on a day to day basis my life is pretty much the same or maybe I am just not attentive enough to the details of daily life. My dreams were interesting last night. I dreamt of sex, of chopping a python in half, of friends moving to northern italy and me being envious of their move, and of our white kitten headless.