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Nobody told me writing a novel was so slow, well slow for me anyway. Good news is I’m making forward progress. What I do find strange in the telling of the tale is that I’m finding myself living in two worlds, one real, one somewhere between the shadows of reality.

I miss the smell of your perfume
Lingering
Lingering with me
Reminding me
Reminding me that somewhere in this savage land
Someone loves me
Loves me

Have we forgotten
Forgotten how to be romantic?
Sick with puppy-love

I want to return
Return to the warmth of your embrace.
Are you waiting for my return?
I return,
We talk of things functional;
carpets;
school plays;
kitchen fittings.

Have we forgotten
Forgotten how to be romantic?
Sick with puppy-love

Maybe it’s my fault
My fault;
I spend too much time in my own head
I used to never leave the house
Without kissing you
Kissing you;
on the carpet;
in the back of the stands;
in the kitchen.

Have we forgotten
Forgotten how to be romantic?
Sick with puppy-love

Where did it all begin? Where will it end? What happened in the middle?

If all the world’s a stage, what part am I playing?
The puppet? The pirate? The poet? The pauper? The pawn or the king?

Or indeed the fool?

I want to be the knight in shining armor dashing forth from my castle keep to slay dragons.

What dragons shall I slay today?
My bills? My meals? My car? My contracts? My invoices? My Taxes?

I was Robin Williams in Deconstructing Harry today, out of focus man. It was just one of those days were I never quite seemed to get in gear. The highlight of my day was meeting Jenny for panini’s and coffee at the Border’s bookshop in Leicester.

I feel like I’ve been busy being present and by being present I haven’t thought about all the things I’ve been setting up to do in the future and now when I sit and reflect I feel like there’s so much I need to be doing that I haven’t done. How do you get around that? Because I must say it’s a wonderful feeling to live in the present,to be here now, but then things get scary when I stop to think about the destination and not the journey. There is a line of thought that says if you don’t have a destination you’ll never get there. But where is there? And what does it mean to be there as oppose to being here.

I’ve been…I don’t know where I’ve been. Where ever I’ve been, it hasn’t been on this keyboard like I should be. To be fair, I have been writing a character biography which is just over 5 pages long. I have two characters, but no story and I’m not sure which character is the main character. There’s a young lady and a history professor. They both want their stories told, but at the moment, it looks like the lady is winning. She seems like a very interesting character. One I would definitely like to get to know a lot better.

The C8 gathering on Friday nite was superb. We saw the Peter Pan Pantomime starring none other than former Eastenders bad boy Phil Mitchell as Captain Hook. Then it was off to some good grub and dirty dancing.

Today we frolicked about Kenliworth Castle.

I started French Lessons last night. I was a bit disappointed because only one other student turned up and the teacher or tutor was quite evidently not used to leading a class. I want to learn conversational French. This cat started off teaching us grammar which is absolutely boring, or rather, he made it very boring. I had to stop myself from sticking my pen in my eye. I think I’ll look for another class.

I have reached the point in my novel writing apprenticeship were I get frustrated and give up by getting involved with “other things” thereby given me an excuse not to write. Ah but this time I have bravely decided to face the chaos and fight through it even though I feel like jumping up and down and tearing my heart out. Embrace the chaos.

The project I’m working on in Derby is going extremely well. There is a lot of energy in the place and a lot of folks who are eager to improve their personal and professional performance. I’ve been working some crazy hours on the project, but as they say time flies when you’re having fun.

Tonight I’m supposed to be going to the theatre with a group of friends in Milton Keynes. The problem is the play starts at 19.00 and I don’t finish work until 18.30 and it’s at least a 2 hour drive on a good day from Derby to Milton Keynes and that’s not accounting for the Friday night traffic. Realistically, I’ll miss the play, but I’ll be able to catch the dinner, dancing and general hell-raising afterwards. (I would say good bye in French, but we didn’t even learn how to say hi.)

I start my new contract today. I have the pre-game jitters as I always do before a new project. I am feeling a bit time starved at the moment. Time seems to be speeding by faster than I get things done. I have to remind myself that all I can do is what I can do in a day.

The cacophony of my emotions has created a great buzz in my head. I am over excited, almost to the point of stunned confusion – like a white hot poker in my mind’s eye.

I secured a nice coaching contract that’ll take me through the next couple of months. I attended the Inland Revenue workshop on becoming self-employed and I actually left the workshop happy, knowing more than I did before I came. I saw Sam. Her belly is getting huge, a far cry from the stick figure of a lass I first met two years ago (I should add she’s more than a few months pregnant now). I spoke to a couple of mates whom I’ve not talked to for a few weeks and who, whenever we talk, always lift my spirit. I bought a PS2 so I can eat up the little spare time I have occasionally. And to top off the day, I finished John Gardner’s The Art of Fiction which I believe is one of the best, if not the best, book I have ever read on creating works of fiction. I would encourage anyone who is serious about writing fiction to read it. Oh and I also finished Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, by Philip K. Dick. This was my second reading of this superb piece of fiction. It makes me wonder how simulated life will affect our humanity.

peace

The world is closing
i cannot see the sky.
Trapped like the wings of
a Cabbage White between
the thumbs and grubby paws
of the little blonde tyrants
kicking around in
the grass fields.

Gird up your loins
like a man,
things will work out fine

The Shadow
lingers over
watching…
waiting for me to falter,
like the panther, dark and sullen,
sinewy limbs stretched tight
ready to rip the bones from my flesh.

Who are you
to question me
with the darkness
of your counsel

I cannot hold a candle,
to Prufrock’s boots
let me drown by the Sea
oh they will not wake me.

Hear my speech,
suffer me a fool.
I do diligently speak,
a whisper
and a drool

I have found the Plains of Moab,
the River at my knee
I hear the trumpets of the Priest,
the people stand and stare
they will not shout for me

My soul’s too black
the River’s too wide
i hope they wake me
so I drown

This is the last day of my holiday. It’s been nice sitting around generally relaxing, but now it’s time to get busy.

I’m in Bristol sitting in the conservatory watching the world wake up (well my little part of the world anyway) to a brand new year. I love the optimism of the new…so much promise…so much hope and good will. Let us set sail into the unknown and make 2005 a year to be remembered…a year that when we’re 85 we’ll be saying, “Man, do you remember in 2005 how we…”

Happy New Year to you all!!!

here’s my whack at the 2004 survey being passed around…

Read more

i am all men and no man floating through space and time looking to connect with those who want to connect to know another human being in this desolate soul sucking society we call civilization…gone are the shackles but slaves we still are…how clever…do you deny it? i deny it everyday in everyway but the fact remains…i am a slave who wants to be free…free to know you…free to know me…free to be who i want to be not like the man on tv…or like my father or my father’s father…freedom…what do you know about freedom? i once fought for freedom…sacrificed myself so you could be who you want to be…yet you still choose to be a victim…to be a slave to the system…to let the beauty of the day pass by your way without a smile…when did you last see the colors of the rainbow mixed in a bowl…mingled with your soul…the soul of another so fragile and tender longing to be you longing to be me…my destiny…your destiny written in the wind whispered on some half forgotten dawn…i’d like to know you…be you…be me…our souls dancing naked in the wind…naked and free dancing through eternity…

My soul is wrapped in conformity
Trapped between your white sheets
and warm pillows

We talk of time and things dear
Your breast half exposed untouched
but dreadfully near

How many times has the dawn
whispered my name
Taunting, teasing, tempting me away
From the comfort
Of your conformity

I reach; you pull
we bend and twist
the sheets

Why can’t I grasp the enormity?

Another Christmas has come and gone. I hope all of you out there who read my words have had an outstanding holiday regardless of your faith or beliefs. I hope the festiveness of the season has at least brought some of us closer together even if we don’t know why.

We played host this year with everyone converging on our house to celebrate Christ’s birthday and break bread together. I went to church to pay my respects. It is not often these days that I go to worship. Not because I don’t believe in Christ or God, but because I’ve lost my faith in religion.

As I walk through the ancient wooden doors of St James of Southam, I can sense a mood of happiness and joy. The people have come out to worship together. What I don’t get and what bothers me about the Christian religion is it seems too steeped in tradition…to immersed in the past. I find the true energetic spirit of being in the presence of a Deity missing.

Where is the passion that once stirred men’s heart to pay fealty to Christ? Where are the temple knights who stand bold and fierce yet humble before the Lord?

The Dante’s Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Moderate
Level 1 – Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Extreme
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 – The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 – Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante’s Inferno Hell Test

I may have an opportunity to join a 4-man crew who will attempt to break the world record for fastest rowing time across the Atlantic. This is the kind of adventure/challenge I dream about. And like all adventures, the fears, doubts and obstacles can begin to look insurmountable. Family and close friends don’t help either…they tend to be the ones who point out all the obstacles instead of helping you find a way to make your adventure successful.

On a Pale Horse (notes)

I looked, and there before me was a pale horse! Its rider was named Death, and Hades was following close behind him. They were given power over a fourth of the Earth to kill by sword, famine and plague, and by the wild beast of the Earth. – Revelations 6:8

(It used to be that death would come riding in a pale horse, now it’s just as likely that death may come riding on an asteroid, tidal wave, deadly virus or colliding sub atomic particles.)

We are hanging on by a thread here folks. We are hanging on waiting for our miserable little lives to be snuffed out. And it could happen. It could happen at any moment. But then again, what else is new? Every day Mr Death is near. He is lurking around every corner, every bend. To some he is an enemy. To some he is a friend. But he claims all in the end.

Even now he is standing behind you looking over your right shoulder holding his balance scales and rubbing his chin and thinking “is it time yet?”

Death used to be so simple. You died by the sword, plague, or wild beast. And sometimes God would smote a city or two or strike down a non-pious man. But now, now death has become more sophisticated, more technological. Created by our own hands. And I’m not just talking about Mr Oppenhiemer’s deadly toy. That was so last century.

Long Island physicist start skeet shooting subatomic particles and accidently cause a tiny black hole….

We are creating robots that may someday be the death of us all. At least that’s what Ted K. thought. Scientist predict that robots will reach ‘human equivalence’ by ….

And if the big robots don’t get us, then the nanobots will. Scientist are racing to build atomic sized robots. The plan is to inject in the body to help fight deadly diseases. The side effect, however, is these tiny little buggers can spill onto the ground and start replicating every thing in their path eventually turning the earth into one big pile of grey nano goo.

Mother Nature has a few tricks of her own and can pull the plug at any moment.

Natural Disaster World Tour

Toba Tuff….

Tidal wave….

Asteroid…..

Carp diem. Live life to the fulliest. Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today and the other banal expressions mean more now than ever before.

I don’t think we realise on a day to day basis how close the earth comes to being total destroyed or having our civilization destroyed as we know it. Brian Appleyard revealed 10 of the most likely earth destroying catastrophes. All I can say is make sure you have your wills up to date.

This is why we should live life to its fullest. You just never know when it can all blow up. The bushido warriors had the right concept. They believed that you should do everything as if it were the last time you were going to do it. So when you kiss your wife good bye in the morning, you should kiss her like it was the last time you were never going to see her again.

Don’t ‘just do it,’ as Nike proclaimed. Instead ‘do it with passion.’

The top 7 catastrophes

1. A couple of physicist from Long Island get drunk one night an start blasting sub atomic particles with the Relativistic Heavy Ion Collider and accidentally create a tiny black hole on Long Island which eventually will slowly suck the Earth’s matter into itself.

2. Linda Hamilton wasn’t crazy after all, the machines do take over the world. Some of our leading technocrats believe that machines will reach “human equivalence” by the year 2030. [get some quotes from Ray Kurzweil’s book, The Age of Spiritual Machines.]

3. If the big machines fail to win the revolution, then the nanobots will. Apparently these microscopic robots the size of an atom may decide to turn the Earth into a filthy grey matter of nanobot goo by transforming everything come into contact with into themselves.

4. It’s not just the high tech stuff standing in the wings to wipe us out. There is the biological weapon wielding terrorist who might decide to unleash microscopic hell on Earth in the form of a deadly virus that we have no immediate cure for.

5. Of course the Earth could decide its had enough of us parasitic humans and unleash some of its own fury. Young Toba Tuff could erupt again. The last time it did, 75, 000 years ago, it released enough ash to cover the entire U.S. and blocked out the sun for years.

6. In then there is the traditional earthquake. All we need is for Kobe to get rocked again with a earthquake measuring 8 or more on the Richter scale to send the world economic markets into freefall. [get some quotes from Bill McGuire’s book, The End of the World: Everything You Never Wanted to Know.]

7. It was a 10km sized asteroid that is said to caused the earth to cleaned of the dinosaurs. All it takes is a an asteroid of 1km or greater to collide with the Earth and cause global destruction. And guess what folks, there are over 1500 1km or more in size asteroids that cross the Earth’s orbit. Asteroid XFll was on target to destroy the Earth in 2020. But scientist have revised their estimates and are saying that the XF11 will miss us by about 1km. What if they are wrong. Remember it was a simple mathematical error that caused the $125 million dollar Mars Climate Orbiter to crash into Martian soil. They were off by 60 miles!